Hello to my faithful blog followers (if there are any left),I am sorry for not blogging for over 2 months, my life kind of became crazy after that last blog post. So this post will be more of a personal one. Let's see, we will start from october. So October, started out to be a promising month...or so I thought, then about the third weekend in October, RPI's alumni weekend rolls around, hopes were high-disappointments were higher, but out of great disappointments stemmed closure from others, closure and peace that I had needed for quite some time (3 years to be exact)...but the disappointment of others still lingered. Why was I disappointed? Because I expected something from someone that I should've known not to expect, because as I found out...and as it turned out I was disappointed, yet again, by the lack of effort and action of another person. After that weekend my head was going in a million different directions, with my "Diamonds and Rust" encounter and with the BIG Disappointment, but it taught me something. I learned that life always has a twist, that my path has not been defined, and that I should never ever ever make someone a priority, when they only make me an option-even if they were the one to contact you in the first place...really it means nothing. I learned that you have to be your own best friend at the end of the day and answer to the woman staring back in the glass (Taken from the poem "Man in the Glass")...because in the end all you will have is yourself...and that's the gospel truth. Somewhere between October and December I grew up. The disappointment has subsided and I have learned to not expect anything from anyone. I've learned that words (the good kind) are true when they are spoken...but it doesn't necessarily mean they'll be true 2 months from then. I've learned that in the moment a person is making a promise, they are intending to keep that promise at that moment, but again that promise may be broken 2 months from then. People will say all the right things at all the right times, but it's the ones that are truly there for you in your time of need, that deserve a special place in your heart. I've learned that family is important, family is not just blood, it's those that support you through thick an thin. I learned that there will always be obstacles in your way and you have to make the decision to overcome them, find another way around them, or give up...but giving up should never be an option. I've learned a lot in the past few months and the past few months have been the most hell-ish for me. Everything really began to go down hill at the very end of October when Tweetie my grandmother, went into the hospital, she was discharged the very next day and everything was fine for a few days until she started having hallucinations on Halloween. A few short days passed and she was back in the hospital with a broken wrist and hallucinations started again, she'd started to become so weak at that point. After a 4 night stay in the hospital she was discharged, she could barely walk and was very immobile. My mom, my stepfather, my sister, and I took turns taking care of her and staying over night with her. It was tiring, the entire month of november was tiring, and heartbreaking. It was tough to watch someone who helped raise you, slip away, hallucinate and suffer day in and day out. After thanksgiving I began to feel dissociative, as if I was not in my own body, but rather spectating from above, I felt something bad was about to happen, I felt an undescribable pain in my heart. Only a day or two later, that bad feeling came into fruition, as we came to my grandmothers from running errands, we thought we'd be going in to sit down and enjoy a nice meal that my sister had prepared, but instead we found my grandmother passed out on the floor of the bathroom. I called 9-1-1, thinking nothing of it, as she was starting to get better, then they started asking questions such as if she had a DNR(which she did) and if she was on hospice (first red flag), when angela and I got to the hospital they didn't let us in right away (My mom had gone in the ambulance with my grams)-(second red flag), the third and final red flag was being told that my grandmother was in the midst of a massive heart attack. Her small body laid there half alive-half dead, it broke my heart to see this final slip. It was the 29th of november when she was brought to ELLIS hospital (at around 8pm), she lingered until 1:05 am making her date of death November 30th. She was surrounded by her girls and other family supports, I was able to get her to squeeze my finger, and just a few moments before she died, the nurse was able to tell her we were there and my grandmother acknowledged our presence and even mustered a few words. My mom began to doze off, ange was looking at the commotion of the nurses, and I watched one of the final breaths my grandmother took, we all saw her final one and in the finite moment another life had left this world. It was tough because it happened in an already tough period of time (My father passed away on December 13, 1993), but it was comforting to be there with her in those final moments, knowing she was finally done suffering.
See, these past few months have changed me. Seeing someone die changes you. being ignored changes you. finding out your supports changes you. Watching people loose everything changes you. I have been through a lot in these past few months, I have had good days and I have had bad days. I have had days where I just want to quit everything, but I don't I keep pushing through and keep putting one foot in front of the other heading towards that path of a brighter future. I know that some people have been through far worse than I have and I do not look for sympathy, but I know what it is like to face tragedy and I know that by facing fear and tragedy I have only become stronger.
So I am going to impart some wisdom....that I gained over the past few months.
-Don't question everything, it doesn't do well for your mind or your body
-Don't sit and wonder why, it doesn't matter anyhow( thanks bob dylan or waylon jennings or joan baez or which ever version you prefer)
-Do set out to make a difference in someone else's life
-Do not expect anything from anyone, then you'll never be disappointed
-Do know that people can change and that they'll surprise you all the time
-Do not hate someone because they aren't what you expected
-Do not throw away a possibility, just because it hasn't happened in the time you'd like it to
-Don't sweat the small stuff
-Do believe in the good of people and the good of the world
-Do look fear in the face and conquer it
-Do cry every once in a while, it really does help
Do whatever you need to to make yourself happy, to make yourself unique, to make yourself you. It's a new year and new possibilities are around every corner. So don't sit around wondering why something didn't happen or did happen or happened in a way that was unexpected, don't question it, don't dwell on it, just keep your head up, move forward, and enjoy life the best way you know how!
And with that being said, I'll get back to the environment in my next blog post.
See, these past few months have changed me. Seeing someone die changes you. being ignored changes you. finding out your supports changes you. Watching people loose everything changes you. I have been through a lot in these past few months, I have had good days and I have had bad days. I have had days where I just want to quit everything, but I don't I keep pushing through and keep putting one foot in front of the other heading towards that path of a brighter future. I know that some people have been through far worse than I have and I do not look for sympathy, but I know what it is like to face tragedy and I know that by facing fear and tragedy I have only become stronger.
So I am going to impart some wisdom....that I gained over the past few months.
-Don't question everything, it doesn't do well for your mind or your body
-Don't sit and wonder why, it doesn't matter anyhow( thanks bob dylan or waylon jennings or joan baez or which ever version you prefer)
-Do set out to make a difference in someone else's life
-Do not expect anything from anyone, then you'll never be disappointed
-Do know that people can change and that they'll surprise you all the time
-Do not hate someone because they aren't what you expected
-Do not throw away a possibility, just because it hasn't happened in the time you'd like it to
-Don't sweat the small stuff
-Do believe in the good of people and the good of the world
-Do look fear in the face and conquer it
-Do cry every once in a while, it really does help
Do whatever you need to to make yourself happy, to make yourself unique, to make yourself you. It's a new year and new possibilities are around every corner. So don't sit around wondering why something didn't happen or did happen or happened in a way that was unexpected, don't question it, don't dwell on it, just keep your head up, move forward, and enjoy life the best way you know how!
And with that being said, I'll get back to the environment in my next blog post.
